Jade

Its funny how one incident will make you face issues that you really don’t deem as important. On last Saturday night I had the opportunity to spend some time with two of my closest friends. It was our intention to celebrate the divorce of my friend E. We had a great time….but before the fun began I had some some serious issues to face.

 As E and I pulled up,  I looked in the window of Beloved’s house and noticed this huge dog. OMG!!! is what I thought. E proceeded to get out of the car and goes into the house. I was stuck! Why? Because I am afraid of dogs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew I was afraid of dogs but thought that I could just shake it when we arrived…As I proceeded to look into the window, I started to think back to what happened to make me afraid of dogs….which dates back to the age of 6.

There was this huge dog running wild in my old neighborhood. I was walking out of the house to the bus stop early one morning when all of a sudden this huge black dog began to chase me. The faster I ran the closer he seemed to get to me. My mom was standing in the door screaming "STOP RUNNING AND PICK UP THAT COAT" the dog nipped me. From that day forward I have not been very fawn of dogs. In fact I have been petrified of dogs. As I continued to look in the window I felt as if I were going to faint because Beloved’s dog looked just like the dog that chased me at 6. Beloved realized that I had not come into the house. She then walked outside and took my hand after about 15 minutes of discussion. We walked in the house. I felt that same fear arise that I experienced at 6. As Kedar sniffed me I gripped Beloved’s arm. I tried to stay away from him but I guess he sensed my fear and sniffed me for longer than I anticipated.  As the night progressed I felt more comfortable with Kedar. I began to feel less fear.  I guess Beloved, E, and Kedar, took me through the "Fear Factor Process". Although I have not gotten over my fear of dogs completely, I have made some serious progress.

About a year ago one of my students came to live with me. It started off as an agreement that she would only be here with me for about two weeks. Well of course you know two weeks turned into two months and two months has now turned into eighteen months. I have excepted the fact that she will be with me permentantly. That is not problem. The problem is her trifling ass mother. This bitch is dead ass wrong. She takes being a low life to another level. Now mind you, the whole time my student daughter has been with me her mother has not offered a dime of any type to help and she was getting food stamps. She has even gone so far as to say that she had not talked to the father since my student daughter was two years old. She of course lied.

During the school year I had to go to DFACS and fill out papers for my student daughter to get Medicaid and TANAF (and boy was that an experience). Just to interject….. the shit on the walls in there is so degrading. NEWAY,  as I went in to talk to the caseworker, I was informed that my student daughter was not eligible for any services because her mother had just renewed her food stamps in another county in Georgia. She lied and said she had custody of all of her kids. SHIT!!! I was in a bind. I could not add her to my insurance because it was not open enrollment. so what did I do? I did what any black woman would do. I fought (not physically). By the grace of God that issue was resolved. They awarded her services. It was so funny I often found myself trying to figure out why her TANF money was slowly decreasing. She started off getting $155 and as of recent she receives $67.

I had been getting papers from the child support office to fill out on her mom. I never filled them out. That was something that I always put off until one day my student daughter went to her grandmother’s house and found out that her father was paying child support for her to her mom. Well, I found the papers that were mailed and called the child support office to see what was going on. The good thing is that my student daughter had sense enough to get the case number. She was angry and so was I. On last Monday I went and visited the child support office and found that the mother still had herself listed as the custodial parent even though she signed over gaurdianship to me and relinquished all of her parental rights….Now the lies are on the table….I can’t imagine how my student daughter felt when I told her that her father pays child support and her mother has been getting a $597 check per month…not to mention that she had been getting it since she turned 2 years old.

The entire situation is a fucked up scandoulous ass mess. How can you put your wants and needs over those of your kids?

On yesterday I had the opportunity to talk to two of my closest friends Fred and the other part of the dynamic duo. I am so proud of the both of them. They both are making major stides. Fred is finally getting a divorce. I know divorce is bad but Lawd knows that we are all glad that she is out of his life. I am not going to get into the details of thier relationship…but let me say that it was full of drama. Drama that left him living in a big bad ass house with no refigerator and wholes in the counter tops. I am sure that if the bitch could have she would have taken the stove. DRAMA!!! I mean he needs to write a book. Thank heavens the divorce will be final soon…. Friday to be exact. This joker has said that he is celebrating the divorce by "eating from a different plate" everyday this week". (Mind you he is not talking about fried chicken, yams, and greens). Now what kind of shit is that? Nevertheless you can’t help but to love him.

The other part of the dynamic duo is getting married soon.Fred and I are giving her an engagment party. I told her she and her fiance’ needs to give us a list of potential guests…and of course her response is "Can I get engaged first"? Well, how do you have a wedding date and you are not yet engaged. Uh…is engagement not a prerequisite to wedding dates? So……since we have a wedding date……Fred and I will be pre-planning for an engagement party. Let me just say that the party will be grand and full of life and love.

I am feeling good right about now. I prayed and asked GOD to remove all of the negative energies from my life. I did not think that it would have happened so easily….so quickly….so abruptly. I mean it seems that all of a sudden I have lost contact with the people that brought the most drama to my life….the most hurt….the most pain…..the most dispappointment. While I wish them well, I have recognized that I am attracting the same type of people. I am grateful that I can identify this, but I am like damn…What the fuck is wrong with me? Don’t get me wrong….. the people that I attract have some great qualities, but most of them have women.  This is like really bothering me. Recently out of seven men that have approached me (within the last week) six of them have women. What the fuck type of stamp do I have on my head? Why am attracting these men with women? I am fighting to change me. I don’t even understand.

What’s even worse is that I had been longing to talk to a past friend. I had really been thinking about him.  In fact, I hadn’t spoken with him in about six months…..until the other day. I stopped contacting him as much because I realized that I have an attraction to him. I haven’t seen him in years but its just something about him. It’s like we just pick up where we leave off everytime we loose contact. Now..I must admit that in the back of my mind I always felt as if one day we would have the opportunity to be in a healthy relationship….at least that is something that I secrectly wanted. Well, I recently found out that he now has a woman. They are not married but he is pretty serious with her. I wish I would have told him of my feelings sooner. I guess that I am a day late and a dollar short. All I can say is …..his woman has a good man and she had better hold on to him because any sign of her fuckin up…I’ll be on the first thing smokin to Huntsville. NO NOT TO KICK HER ASS BUT TO GET THAT MAN!!!!

Energy is the force behind us that makes us do what we do and makes us draw to whom we draw to . After my confession session on last evening (Oh yeah, my friend was back from her trip and I gave her an ear full of what has been occuring in my world) it was concluded that my energy is cluttered….it’s not clear. So one of my new goals is to clear the cluttered energy around me. I have in recent realized that energy is not lost it is transferred from person to person…..so everyone that has negative energies must be kicked out of my cycle. Shit!!! I don’t need them contaminating my world and blocking my blessings (smile Beloved). Well this is a short post. I pronounce blessings and peace to all that read this!!! Have a great weekend!!! I will post again on Saturday!

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Oh by the way are there any suggestions as to how to stop cursing? My mouth is foul and I am trying to work on that. It’s hard!

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Beloved, I love you and I am glad that we are friends. I would not trade you for anything!!! Thanks for the listening ear and push in the "right" direction. *hugs*

Virgo pulled up in his truck and called my cell phone to let me know that he was outside. I went out. Keep in mind that he did not even come to the porch to ring the doorbell. We stood outside and talked and joked for about 20 minutes. I must admit that it did feel good to be in his presence even though he was forbidden fruit to me. We laughed and enjoyed each others company and all of a sudden it happened. His wife drives down my street past my house. I started to say to myself…"I am not going through this high school bullshit". Virgo waved  at her. I told him that he should not do that. She backed down the street and stopped. They were talking. I said a brief prayer because I saw my sixteen year old daughter and her friend looking out of the window. I don’t know what he said to her but she began to pull off…….then all of a sudden she put the car in reverse and started backing up full speed trying to hit him. In my mind I was saying "his dick must be really good to her or this bitch is just flat out crazy". In a sense I felt bad for her, but contrary to what she believed the visit was innocent. Anyhow, she ended up hitting the curb. She put the car in park and popped the trunk and pulled out a metal bat. At that point I understood the old cliche’ "There is a thin line between love and hate". She screamed saying shit like "You said you weren’t coming back over here" blah, blah, blah. He was talking calmly to her. Most men would have lost it. (I have witnessed it). After she calmed down and agreed to get in the car to go home, he told me that he had to go which was good because I was in the process of telling him that he had to leave. At that moment I learned a very important life lesson: Don’t ever expose your insecuities…people willl exploit them and have you feeling and looking like an ass. I could have easily made the situation benefit me but I didn’t. I love Virgo enough to let him go.  I hope that he straightens everything out in his world. I also pray that his wife finds some self esteem and love for herself. All in all I hope that everything goes well for the two of them. This situation is part of the reason that I love the song playing. The words have sentimental meaning to me.

I have read this book three times from cover to cover within the last two weeks. It is really opening up some things within me. There were two things in this book that touched me to the point of tears. The first is that forgiveness neutralizes karma. The second is "stop waiting for someone to bring destiny and direction, everything that is needed to win "the game of life is withinin man". The affimations in this book are great. Reading this book is really helping me to disapate all negative thoughts regarding my life. It’s a struggle, but I see some progression.

I am really happy. God is good. It has been such a blessing to be reunited with my past friends. I guess I should not say past friends but my friends from the past that are now in my present. NOW! One of the reasons that I have not been blogging is because I have been laying wood floors in my house….. OK! yes I am being cheap. I wanted them, I could afford the material but not the labor…So I bought the materials and I provided the service to myself. In other words I put the shits down myself. At any rate, that is not the moral of this entry. The moral of this entry is that I was reminded of a story of chickens and the eagles. In retrospect, I was familar with the concept of the this story but the way in which this parable was re-presented to me made me reflect on my life. The story is as follows..

In life you have two types of birds (people) eagles and chickens. If we look at the characteristics of chickens we must remember that chickens don’t fly very high…in fact they only fly a couple of feet off of the ground. They only eat shrubs and worms…things that are close to the ground. Their vision is limited to what is directly around them. If you really think about it, chickens are always some where couped up with other chickens. Since many people in the world eat chicken I guess it is safe to say that they are waiting on the slaughter and don’t even know it.

Now eagles on the other hand are totally different. Eagles fly high and have a broad veiw of all things. Eagles fly alone. Eagles are strong and resourceful. In relating these things to life and all of the people around me. I would much rather be an eagle flying high and seeing all than a chicken. In the end when it all comes down to it, the eagle will always catch the chicken and devour it because chickens have limitaitons that eagles don’t have.

I told a similar version of this story to my kids. My four year old picked right up on it. She now tells the sixteen year old things like "eagles don’t speak those types of things", "eagles don’t make those types of choices" etc. It is my prayer that as life goes on that my children grasp an even deeper understanding of this parable and live their lives as eagles as opposed to chickens. I have faith…I know it’s possible.

An orgasm is a physiological event that occurs at the highest point in sexual excitement and is usually associated with a wave of intense pleasure. Until recently I had only experienced a physical orgasm, one that occurs during sexual stimulation. Well…… about two weeks ago I experienced a mental orgasm. I have a male friend that really stimulates me mentally. Sometimes so much so until there is not much that I can say. We dialogue sometimes for hours on the telephone. The energy between us is very intense. He has opened my eyes to see things from different perspectives.

I took a sabbatical. I have been kind of taking time to sort some things out. I don’t have all of the answers but things are coming together. My brain has been going 500 miles per second with ideas and things that I need to focus on. Nevertheless, I chose to focus on nothing. That’s right nothing. All in all that’s what is what! I have been focusing my energy on nothing. What I mean by nothing is no stress, no hurt/pain, no longing for male companionship….. Nothing! At least those are the things that had my mind preoccupied…. being in a relationship, making more money, perfecting relationships, keeping up an image that violates all of my "fuckem" philosophies and so on and so forth. Well all in all so much has occurred in my life since my last entry and I am about ready to get it off of my chest. So here goes!!!!!!!!!!